Being a Ukrainian bass guitarist, blisters are very common occurences. Until now I haven't known of a real cure for them, other than biting a small hole in the things and letting the serum seep out, then leaving them to heal on their own accord - a practice which can take weeks: and weeks we don't have in this business. So, to the joy of all the Ukrainian bass guitarists the world over, I have found a bullet proof cure for the damn blisters. Get another one.

If that sounds way too far out, man, and you totally can't get your head around it, here I'll give you a brief step-by-step guide in this arcane practice of blister healing.

Miblo's Guide to Quick Blister Healing

Step One: Go to your next proba (band rehearsal) and make sure you engage in plenty of strenuous playing, resulting in a nice big blister or two.

Step Two: Once home, after you've spent a while marvelling at the beauty of the things, take a nice small bite out of them - around the middle will do nicely - and let the lovely serum flow down your throat.

Step Three: The most time-consuming: leave them for a few days to partially heal. From my current experience, this step cannot be skipped. Indeed, with a whole lifetime of experience, nobody could recommend you to skip this step, for without the partial healing, the next step cannot be performed.

Step Four: A few days after the biting of the blisters, once the hole produced from the biting has healed, have a proba arranged and attend with gusto. Indeed, the same strenuous playing engaged in for Step One needs to be repeated here with equal enthusiasm. Blisters will ensue, atop of the previous lot.

Step Five: Once home, and while examining your new blisters, you will see a marked difference in the colouration of these ones. While the first brace of blisters were a pale cream colour, you will see these new ones will be a sort of bright pink/red. These look very painful, and you may want to brace yourself for this step. It is a repeat of Step Two: a bite needs to be taken out of each. But, fear not. With this new red colour, they may look more painful, but the actual biting isn't in the slightest bit more painful. The only difference I could detect was a slightly bloody flavour in the serum; but I suspect this is simply a case of psychological association: nothing to worry about.

Step Six: Once bitten into, there is really nothing more you can do for your darling blisters. Just sit and wait. Just another day or two will suffice, and you will see what an improvement this technique has had on the healing process. The skin indeed will be harder than it has ever been, and you will begin to wonder if you haven't been furnished with some sort of superhuman fingertips and if you will ever be plagued with blisters again.

Word of the Week

Blister

blister n. & v. —n. 1 a small bubble on the skin filled with serum and caused by friction, burning, etc. 2 a similar swelling on any other surface. 3 Med. anything applied to raise a blister. 4 sl. an annoying person. —v. 1 tr. raise a blister on. 2 intr. come up in a blister or blisters. 3 tr. attack sharply (blistered them with his criticisms).

Definition courtesy of the Concise Oxford Dictionary

And, with this fantastic blister-themed article, so an end comes to Chapter Five. Will we have more luck in the Sixth? Read on to find out.